was it you that once loved and once left me?
the way i am now at all your responsibility?
the joy or pain or memories of ecstasy
filling the screen of all i have seen
once for three years, next for just one
where you are now, everything i do you see done
and your judgement impairs me
it terrifies me because you're out there
and i'm all alone in here, wherever here is
i am everywhere just me, behind the screen

yes, dear, it was you who first loved and then beat me
first with love, then with spite and finally silence
the silence more powerful now than ever
loud in the distance it communicates between us
the gulf, the valley, the wall and my shame
this is all so close somehow, nothing changed
except i'm not making love to you
or touching your hair or playing with your fingers
i'm playing with myself to keep the feeling alive

are we all pathetic now or is it just me
are we far too out now for honesty?
wasn't it you that once committed me to truth?
alas, i am not sorted out, i've been tossed
i am spread like steam across the bathroom tile
and stuck to the walls of things better kept in boxes under the stairs
i shouldn't write, i shouldn't shed light on myself
within myself, throughout myself
i'm less and less here and more and more scared

you aren't feeling like this, are you?
you never showed your pain in the past
and know i couldn't see it now even if shown
i'm so somewhere else that sound and sight can't reach me
i'm like a beach on an island undiscovered by man
battered by water, wind and sand
each grain a moment with you i regret and will treasure
we never kept secrets from each other

i'm not in the mood now, I'm not feeling it now
i'm not interested in you now, i need you for me
i need you to please me, i need you to feed me
i need your tears to clean me, i need your fears to lift me
i need your pain to ease me, i need your skin to seal me
i'm falling into something i can't see, i need your eyes to save me
i need something so desperately that i'm flailing at life
it was never like this when i was on top
and you were crying out in delight

was it you who made me feel strong for a while?
then showed me the bare foundation below
left to defend a heart broken and thrown
was it you who made me believe in myself
and then proved that we're all a collection of mess
destroyed and reborn and we call it a life
a journal of flesh and letters we'll never get
i miss you, i admit, now please forget that we met....