dealing with finally being far from alone
a circus of frustrations make a home of my head
still from repulsive thoughts
happiness swept from under feet well grounded in chaos
seducted by a fantasy come alive
love is first elusive, then quick and binding
what kind of joy is love, which is so easily marred by suspicion
why must love be force that breaks the better judgement of man
alone, i organized my mess of ambitions
joined by another, i sink, though in bliss
i can not allow myself to sink!
and what of my words, bred from a poet
they've captured a heart using language
and it's love-making capabilities
i harnessed the words that hold up the world
and unleashed them upon someone to whom i can not commit
i can not commit because i do not understand
and i must understand!
for i live and breathe to feel
and my feelings don't spawn in and of themselves
but in my understanding of how and what i should feel
i have loved for the first time
tell me that attraction is born from the knowledge of attraction
yes, love is born from love
the idea of love...true love...the scope of true love
and so love is born from the thought of being loved
and being in love
but, in the process, not loving whom one should love
but loving only love
and what of the past
what of the past
what role does the past play in the present and future
and what is the justified effect of the past
on someone loved
my love is strong enough to crack the sky
and watch the world fall down around
yet me love is deflected, infected by her past
the implications, the unfairness
this perfect angel, innocent in every way
her life is subject to the games of satan and god
and evil taken form in heartless men
my heart forced to compensate for such a loss as hers
my lover's precious life
more dear to me than my own life
has endured nightmares that put my hair on end
i see her daily
when i see anyone i love
their beauty appears not only physically, externally
every aspect of who they are is just as plainly seen
so when i see my love
who brings me happiness beyond any attempt to measure it
i am reminded, daily, of all the evil done to her
things revolting, disgusting, they turn my stomach!
what can i do when the only one i love becomes the center of all i hate
hate not for her, but experiences beyond her control
hate! how do i expell the hated of her past
why do i feel the need to run
to not sink and not love
just a short while before i was at peace with being at war with myself
alone with my fears
in an equalibrium of internal struggle
then i found a love which repaired my inside
and in paradise, i find myself limited
trying to react to her past in a way that lets us continue our love
why is this gift from god being dissected
by my tactless train of thought!
why would my mind attempt
to curdle a perfect state of existence
what a pity
what a shame
and there is nothing but my mind to blame
i fear through this intensive examination of my love for her
which i can not derail
i may not remain the same...